Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'"
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. "
14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Is it just me or are there 535 pairs of hands pointing fingers in Washington these days? All I hear on the news is how “evil AIG” is paying bonuses to their executives with taxpayers money. And who is doing this moaning and whining? That’s right, the same 435 elected members of Congress and the 100 elected Senators from around the great nation. The same 535 people who decided to grant this money “on our behalf” in the first place.
Here’s how it seems to work:
Step 1. Spend my money
Step 2. Strut around your congressional districts and boast about how you helped “the common man” with your brave decision to help the largest of the American workhorse companies. Choosing not to is a decision “you couldn’t live with.”
Step 3. Watch what happens to the money (even though what some of the money was going towards was in written contracts)
Step 4. Feign disbelief and outrage, saying you’ve been duped!
I’ll be willing to bet that the same Congressmen pass out crisp $5 bills to their local homeless pan handlers when in front of a TV crew to look compassionate yet get angry when that same “beggar” runs to the nearest liquor store for a bottle of Old Crow. “How dare they spend my money (I earn from taxpayers) on themselves.”
At least Popeye’s Whempy said he would gladly pay you a $1 tomorrow for a hamburger today. No rouse, no “smoke and mirrors,” just a simple explanation of what he was going to do with the money.
Enough with the finger pointing Washington. With 535 fingers pointing at AIG, that leaves 1605 pointing back at you!
Thanks for letting me vent! I knew you’d understand.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Our seats in section 206 (upper bowl, corner) are in the smack-ass middle of the row so deciding which way to go out is always tough. I know if I go left (which I usually do) it means that a family of 5 needs to stand up, but they give us no hassles as they are used to it. Actually, we are always friendly and thankful for their courtesy.
But last night, there was some old fart who rolled his eyes every time someone needed to exit the row. Now, keep in mind that this dill-weed never once clapped, screamed or stood up to cheer the Blue Jackets so one wouldn't even know if he was even watching the game but Lord Almighty, when someone had to leave to take a piss, he was up in arms.
So I decided that after I "went to the Urination Station to make my bladder gladder" that I would enter back in from the other aisle. I felt this guy the old fart was one more passer-by from going postal on somebody.
Now, it appears that in actuality, it is three more seats farther from the other aisle but this was my first time coming in this way so people didn't care. I made it past quickly and people didn't miss any hockey. As I am about three seats away from my own seat, this douche bag sitting next to me stands up and knocks my three-quarter full beer out of it's drink holder onto the floor.
"Oh, I knocked your beer over," he says to me. "Sorry."
That's it? Not, "Oh shit dude. My bad. Let me walk my pasty-ass down and get you another one before they close the concession stands." Not "Dude, I am soooooooo sorry. Can I repay you for the lost suds?"
Now, I was pissed off but what am I supposed to do? Get into some sort of childish "you owe me a beer, you clumsy M.F" argument right there in the stands? I mean, there are kids around and I am a mature individual (insert sarcastic laughter here). I guess I was waiting for him to come back with one of the aforementioned responses but he just crossed his legs, turned his gaze to the ice and acted like it didn't happen.
Spilled beer is always a crime but when you drop a $7.00 beer, that's damn near a felony in this beer drinker's mind. If I was this guy, I probably would have been tempted to grab the 3/4 full beer his wife's friend's husband had and give it to me. Hell, he could have repaid him after the game at a bar or at home. But no, he acted like it didn't happen.
It's a good thing the Blue Jackets won the game because if they would have lost that game and I got my beer spilled, then I might have gotten more than two minutes in the penalty box for "game misconduct."
What would you have done? Would you have run down to get a new beer for me? Offered to reimburse me? Or ignored me the way this weasel did?
I know what I'll do next time. I'll bring my god dammed beer with me to the bathroom so no one will knock it over.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
I know it isn't a long weekend by any means and I guess it could have been a three day weekend. Perhaps the snow could have fallen longer and deeper than the 3" we received and school could be cancelled tomorrow.
But what is it about the 65 hours between Friday's release of school and Monday's carpool that creates a real life version of Super Smash Brothers between my two kids? I swear they would kill each other if we weren't sitting in the same room.
Now don't get me wrong, they are great kids and I am not naive enough to think they couldn't be worse, but between the tattling, unwillingness to share, yelling, complaining, name calling and flat our meanness they are driving me crazy.
I am sure my father is smiling up in heaven and thinking "I told you so" and I know my Mom had her share of days like this. (Well, now that I think about it, as one of three boys, I am sure she had more weekends like this then I ever will.)
Oh well, school starts at 8:10am tomorrow and I have a full day of work in front of me. I am sure by the time I tuck them in tonight, all will be forgotten when they tell me they love me and I kiss them good night, right?
While the kid in this commercial is much worse than my children have ever acted, I know most parents have shared this shopper's pain.