Friday, November 28, 2008

The Employee Handbook


It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.


This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.


Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.


Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!


Saturday, November 15, 2008

Random Musings

Open the damn mint already!

Have you ever noticed the direct correlation between the amount of noise in a room and how long it takes some to open up a mint? I swear to God it seems to take them forever. I think it is made worse by their weak attempts to open it quietly. Don't they realize that everyone in the place can hear them?

The same phenomenon happens with people trying to take a few potato chips out of a large bag. My Dad was notorious for this. It almost seemed as if he would just dig through the bag to touch as many of the chips as possible. There should be a "two second rule" on community bags of chips that says once your hand has passed the top border of the bag, you have two seconds to remove your hand and any chips that you hold are yours to consume. Or maybe I should just pour the chips into a bowl?

Found in Woods - Body or Remains?

Just how long does a body have to be in the woods for it to become "remains"? I hear on the news both terms being used but there must be some rule, isn't there? Do they use "remains" when the body is unidentifiable? I know that at a funeral home a body is placed in a casket but someones "remains" are placed in an urn.

Soup Again!

Do you ever wonder if homeless people ever get sick of eating soup? I bet some guy under a bridge wishes they would call them "Steak and Potato Kitchens" or "Pancake Kitchens" every now and then, huh?

Buckle Up...Except for You Kid

Anyone else find it funny that we all say we are concerned for kids safety yet school buses don't have seat belts.

Crappiest Gift Ever

With Christmas fast approaching, I thought I would add another gift idea to the "crappiest gifts ever" list. I think I would officially remove someone from my family if I was given an envelope as a gift and upon opening it the giver said "it's a star! I got you your own star from the International Star Registry."

Gee, thanks. Maybe next year you can get me a grain of fuckin' sand in the Sahara Desert or maybe even a molecule of H20 from the Pacific Ocean. Cheap bastard. Next time a 12-pack of Coors Light will do just fine.

What has been on your mind lately?