Saturday, December 6, 2008
NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12,900OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.
It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.
This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous Nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).
No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.
It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.
There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me.
I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants.
Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Have you ever noticed the direct correlation between the amount of noise in a room and how long it takes some to open up a mint? I swear to God it seems to take them forever. I think it is made worse by their weak attempts to open it quietly. Don't they realize that everyone in the place can hear them?
The same phenomenon happens with people trying to take a few potato chips out of a large bag. My Dad was notorious for this. It almost seemed as if he would just dig through the bag to touch as many of the chips as possible. There should be a "two second rule" on community bags of chips that says once your hand has passed the top border of the bag, you have two seconds to remove your hand and any chips that you hold are yours to consume. Or maybe I should just pour the chips into a bowl?
Found in Woods - Body or Remains?
Just how long does a body have to be in the woods for it to become "remains"? I hear on the news both terms being used but there must be some rule, isn't there? Do they use "remains" when the body is unidentifiable? I know that at a funeral home a body is placed in a casket but someones "remains" are placed in an urn.
Do you ever wonder if homeless people ever get sick of eating soup? I bet some guy under a bridge wishes they would call them "Steak and Potato Kitchens" or "Pancake Kitchens" every now and then, huh?
Buckle Up...Except for You Kid
Anyone else find it funny that we all say we are concerned for kids safety yet school buses don't have seat belts.
Crappiest Gift Ever
With Christmas fast approaching, I thought I would add another gift idea to the "crappiest gifts ever" list. I think I would officially remove someone from my family if I was given an envelope as a gift and upon opening it the giver said "it's a star! I got you your own star from the International Star Registry."
Gee, thanks. Maybe next year you can get me a grain of fuckin' sand in the Sahara Desert or maybe even a molecule of H20 from the Pacific Ocean. Cheap bastard. Next time a 12-pack of Coors Light will do just fine.
What has been on your mind lately?
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road... ZZZZZzzzzzzzz
SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY LIBERAL ASS OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA !
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. "
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."
So, my friend, put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.
Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply be kind to others.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them.Then in the morning I pick them up again.”
“Funny thing is, he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before...”
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Is there a better time of the year in Central Ohio than fall? Springtime can be lovely in Central Ohio, our summers have been quite mild the last few years and the time between Thanksgiving and March Madness is only enjoyable if you like to ski, play hockey or drive slowly on the way to the office. Let’s look at all we have to look forward to this season.
Kids go back to school – For those of us with children, there may be no sweeter sound than that early morning alarm clock on the day the school year begins.
Warm afternoons & cool nights – Admit it, you long for the type of weather that you can break out the sweatshirts and blue jeans. And who doesn’t like hitting the snooze button one time on those mornings with the windows open and a brisk chill in the air?
A Sports Buffet – College football has begun and suddenly, the world is right again. Whether you’re a loyal Buckeye fan or not, you have to love fall Saturday’s in Columbus. Tailgating outside Ohio Stadium, visiting HineyGate or stopping by the Varsity Club should be a requirement of anyone claiming to be a college football fan.
You also have the NFL getting into full swing, the Ryder Cup in Louisville, The Columbus Crew is actually playing well this year and the baseball pennant races are in full swing. It also won’t be long until the Columbus Blue Jackets will drop the puck and hopefully skate their way into the NHL playoffs for the first time. A true sports fan should always have three things within reach – a cold beer, the remote control and a bottle of Tums.
Get Out of the House – Locals are certainly blessed with a wonderful selection of things to do outdoors. Between a large selection of metro parks, plenty of green space, The Columbus Zoo and The Franklin Park Conservatory, you’ll find an easy excuse to get out of yard work.
The “New & Improved” fall season hits the airwaves – Tired of reruns and political ads yet? Well, you might not be able to avoid the mud-slinging but if you’re ready for some new shows and returns of old favorites, this is the time for you. Who’s not excited for returns of The Office, Boston Legal, Grays Anatomy and Survivor?
I’ve never been into politics. I never felt that you needed politics to have a party but if that’s your boat, good for you. Support your candidate of choice and have fun. Just remember that after November 3rd, win or lose, we’re all on the same team and we’ve got to live together. As for me, I’m not interested in who’s leading the straw polls. I’m more interested in the teams at the top of the coach’s poll.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
- On Sports:
Does anyone have a better job than Jim Nantz of CBS Sports? This guy gets front row seats at the best games of the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship (March Madness) and then spends a week hanging out amidst the azaleas and dogwoods of Augusta National for The Masters. For the record, Nantz does a wonderful job at both events and really helps the audience feel connected.
Speaking of The Masters, when Arnold Palmer walks down to the first tee on Thursday to hit the symbolic "first tee shot" to open the tournament, why does he make his caddy carry his entire bag of clubs?
- On Television
Thank God the writers striker is over. It sure is good to have some original episodes of the best shows back on the air. Two of the best are:
The Office - The first new episode featured a dinner party at Michael and Jan's condo. Invited guests included Jim and Pam as well as Andy and Angela. Dwight, who wasn't officially invited because he isn;t in a relationship with someone, did show up with someone - his boyhood babysitter. I watched this one in a hotel room in Cincinnati and probably made people in nearby rooms wonder what was happening in room 409 with my boisterous laughter.
LOST - Really, these episodes were already "in the can" prior to the strike, but the action has been fantatstic. We now know who the "Ocenaic 6" are and will have a few weeks to learn more about their predicaments as well as those who will obviously be left behind.
Does Paula Abdul have naked pictures of American Idol producers? How can this dishrag still have a job. Her feedback and input for the show's contestants is horrendous. Something tells me her next gig will be on one of two shows - Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew or The Surreal Life
Hell's Kitchen - The saddest thing about this show is there are thousands of people who wanted to be contestants on this show who weren't selected and must still be working in some kitchen somewhere. Have you seen how bad some of these "chefs" are? Yikes. As my wife Ronda points out - you would think after three seasons now, if you were going to be on this show you should figure out how to cook rissoto, shouldn't you?
- On Politics
Anyone else tired of the election yet? Good Lord, we still have 7 months to go!
- On Business
Farewell Skybus, We Hardly Knew Ye - Columbus based discount airline Skybus has flown off into the sunset. Well, the actually didn't fly off but is there a literary way of saying they were grounded into the bankruptcy court? I did have a chance to enjoy one trip on Skybus back in February. While I didn't get one of the $10 seats, the flight was a bit less expensive than similar "brand" airlines. But after the excess travel (renatl car) and luggage fees, it probably wasn't worth it.
Tell me what you've been thinking about lately. Any vacations, job changes are
Saturday, March 1, 2008
I just spent 90 minutes of my life on the line with a representative from Sprint/Nextel trying to figure out why I couldn't log in. I think I could have gotten more answers if I would have walked to the retail store and talked to the newest employee. The results would have been the same. After all that time, I still have no resolution.
Has that ever happened to you? You make your way through the voice mail maze at the beginning of the call that goes something like this:
Ugh!This poor rep (she actually wasn't bad - not her fault that the website wasn't cooperating) tried to log in as me, I tried to log in as me and nothing! Just a roundabout that dumps out into a cul-de-sac and then back again.
Finally, we made a break through and had to answer several levels of "security" multiple choice questions such as which of the following addresses have you never lived at, what kind of car do you own at this address and what do you think is happening on Lost? Okay, the last one didn't really happen but at least it would have made it kind of fun.
To make a long blog short, we ended up with no resolution. Just a "work order ticket" that should be resolved in the next 72 hours! Whew, good thing it wasn't the doctor's office I was calling.
All I can say is it didn't make me anxious to call any other companies and fight through the "on hold" battles that always seem to ensue. But I know I'll have to very soon so I'll rest up, do some on-hold exercises and study my Geography from areas outside of the United States so at least I'll have something to talk about with my operator.
How do you handle telephone customer service systems?
Friday, February 29, 2008
Okay, so I haven't posted anything here for a long, long time. Kind of like that pair of pants you find in your closet that you haven't worn in months and then when you put them on, you find ten bucks in the pocket and remember what a comfortable pair of pant they were after all.
I'm going to make efforts to keep this up to date with some thoughts and musings on life so be sure to check back and see what i might post about.
Possible future postings:
- The new season of LOST on ABC. It's been scary good. I am really enjoying the new plot lines, character evolvement and new cast members.
- The crappy weather here in Central Ohio. Seriously, let's grab that frickin' groundhog and turn him into road kill! When is spring going to get here. Seriously, the Masters commercials on TV haven't even brought me a ray of hope.
- Politics - naw, probably not here...or at least not evry seriously.
- Maybe college basketball as we are getting close to that glorious time. Actually - tomorrow is March. Let the Madness begin!