Would You Have Bought Me a Beer?

So I am sitting at Nationwide Arena last night, enjoying the Blue Jackets game against Ottawa when I get up to visit the men's room. It's early third period and the Jackets are clinging to a 1-0 lead so the place is still packed and tension is starting to rise.



Our seats in section 206 (upper bowl, corner) are in the smack-ass middle of the row so deciding which way to go out is always tough. I know if I go left (which I usually do) it means that a family of 5 needs to stand up, but they give us no hassles as they are used to it. Actually, we are always friendly and thankful for their courtesy.



But last night, there was some old fart who rolled his eyes every time someone needed to exit the row. Now, keep in mind that this dill-weed never once clapped, screamed or stood up to cheer the Blue Jackets so one wouldn't even know if he was even watching the game but Lord Almighty, when someone had to leave to take a piss, he was up in arms.



So I decided that after I "went to the Urination Station to make my bladder gladder" that I would enter back in from the other aisle. I felt this guy the old fart was one more passer-by from going postal on somebody.



Now, it appears that in actuality, it is three more seats farther from the other aisle but this was my first time coming in this way so people didn't care. I made it past quickly and people didn't miss any hockey. As I am about three seats away from my own seat, this douche bag sitting next to me stands up and knocks my three-quarter full beer out of it's drink holder onto the floor.



"Oh, I knocked your beer over," he says to me. "Sorry."



That's it? Not, "Oh shit dude. My bad. Let me walk my pasty-ass down and get you another one before they close the concession stands." Not "Dude, I am soooooooo sorry. Can I repay you for the lost suds?"



Now, I was pissed off but what am I supposed to do? Get into some sort of childish "you owe me a beer, you clumsy M.F" argument right there in the stands? I mean, there are kids around and I am a mature individual (insert sarcastic laughter here). I guess I was waiting for him to come back with one of the aforementioned responses but he just crossed his legs, turned his gaze to the ice and acted like it didn't happen.



Spilled beer is always a crime but when you drop a $7.00 beer, that's damn near a felony in this beer drinker's mind. If I was this guy, I probably would have been tempted to grab the 3/4 full beer his wife's friend's husband had and give it to me. Hell, he could have repaid him after the game at a bar or at home. But no, he acted like it didn't happen.



It's a good thing the Blue Jackets won the game because if they would have lost that game and I got my beer spilled, then I might have gotten more than two minutes in the penalty box for "game misconduct."



What would you have done? Would you have run down to get a new beer for me? Offered to reimburse me? Or ignored me the way this weasel did?



I know what I'll do next time. I'll bring my god dammed beer with me to the bathroom so no one will knock it over.



Go Jackets!

Snuggie or What the F$#^ Blanket?

They're Driving Me Crazy!

I know it isn't a long weekend by any means and I guess it could have been a three day weekend. Perhaps the snow could have fallen longer and deeper than the 3" we received and school could be cancelled tomorrow.

But what is it about the 65 hours between Friday's release of school and Monday's carpool that creates a real life version of Super Smash Brothers between my two kids? I swear they would kill each other if we weren't sitting in the same room.

Now don't get me wrong, they are great kids and I am not naive enough to think they couldn't be worse, but between the tattling, unwillingness to share, yelling, complaining, name calling and flat our meanness they are driving me crazy.

I am sure my father is smiling up in heaven and thinking "I told you so" and I know my Mom had her share of days like this. (Well, now that I think about it, as one of three boys, I am sure she had more weekends like this then I ever will.)

Oh well, school starts at 8:10am tomorrow and I have a full day of work in front of me. I am sure by the time I tuck them in tonight, all will be forgotten when they tell me they love me and I kiss them good night, right?

Right?

While the kid in this commercial is much worse than my children have ever acted, I know most parents have shared this shopper's pain.

Truth in Advertising?

Talk about a great personal ad for a used car found on a Craigslist site in Chicago... (italics mine)

NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12,900OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous Nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me.

I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants.

Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

Rock on.

Enjoy Your Vacuum, Sweetie

Hey guys...ever wonder what "being in the dog house" means? Watch this funny video and it will all become very clear!

The Employee Handbook

UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!


THE MANAGEMENT

Random Musings

Open the damn mint already!

Have you ever noticed the direct correlation between the amount of noise in a room and how long it takes some to open up a mint? I swear to God it seems to take them forever. I think it is made worse by their weak attempts to open it quietly. Don't they realize that everyone in the place can hear them?

The same phenomenon happens with people trying to take a few potato chips out of a large bag. My Dad was notorious for this. It almost seemed as if he would just dig through the bag to touch as many of the chips as possible. There should be a "two second rule" on community bags of chips that says once your hand has passed the top border of the bag, you have two seconds to remove your hand and any chips that you hold are yours to consume. Or maybe I should just pour the chips into a bowl?

Found in Woods - Body or Remains?

Just how long does a body have to be in the woods for it to become "remains"? I hear on the news both terms being used but there must be some rule, isn't there? Do they use "remains" when the body is unidentifiable? I know that at a funeral home a body is placed in a casket but someones "remains" are placed in an urn.

Soup Again!

Do you ever wonder if homeless people ever get sick of eating soup? I bet some guy under a bridge wishes they would call them "Steak and Potato Kitchens" or "Pancake Kitchens" every now and then, huh?

Buckle Up...Except for You Kid

Anyone else find it funny that we all say we are concerned for kids safety yet school buses don't have seat belts.

Crappiest Gift Ever

With Christmas fast approaching, I thought I would add another gift idea to the "crappiest gifts ever" list. I think I would officially remove someone from my family if I was given an envelope as a gift and upon opening it the giver said "it's a star! I got you your own star from the International Star Registry."

Gee, thanks. Maybe next year you can get me a grain of fuckin' sand in the Sahara Desert or maybe even a molecule of H20 from the Pacific Ocean. Cheap bastard. Next time a 12-pack of Coors Light will do just fine.

What has been on your mind lately?