Thursday, December 4, 2008
Enjoy Your Vacuum, Sweetie
Hey guys...ever wonder what "being in the dog house" means? Watch this funny video and it will all become very clear!
Friday, November 28, 2008
The Employee Handbook
UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Random Musings
Open the damn mint already!
Have you ever noticed the direct correlation between the amount of noise in a room and how long it takes some to open up a mint? I swear to God it seems to take them forever. I think it is made worse by their weak attempts to open it quietly. Don't they realize that everyone in the place can hear them?
The same phenomenon happens with people trying to take a few potato chips out of a large bag. My Dad was notorious for this. It almost seemed as if he would just dig through the bag to touch as many of the chips as possible. There should be a "two second rule" on community bags of chips that says once your hand has passed the top border of the bag, you have two seconds to remove your hand and any chips that you hold are yours to consume. Or maybe I should just pour the chips into a bowl?
Found in Woods - Body or Remains?
Just how long does a body have to be in the woods for it to become "remains"? I hear on the news both terms being used but there must be some rule, isn't there? Do they use "remains" when the body is unidentifiable? I know that at a funeral home a body is placed in a casket but someones "remains" are placed in an urn.
Soup Again!
Do you ever wonder if homeless people ever get sick of eating soup? I bet some guy under a bridge wishes they would call them "Steak and Potato Kitchens" or "Pancake Kitchens" every now and then, huh?
Buckle Up...Except for You Kid
Anyone else find it funny that we all say we are concerned for kids safety yet school buses don't have seat belts.
Crappiest Gift Ever
With Christmas fast approaching, I thought I would add another gift idea to the "crappiest gifts ever" list. I think I would officially remove someone from my family if I was given an envelope as a gift and upon opening it the giver said "it's a star! I got you your own star from the International Star Registry."
Gee, thanks. Maybe next year you can get me a grain of fuckin' sand in the Sahara Desert or maybe even a molecule of H20 from the Pacific Ocean. Cheap bastard. Next time a 12-pack of Coors Light will do just fine.
What has been on your mind lately?
Have you ever noticed the direct correlation between the amount of noise in a room and how long it takes some to open up a mint? I swear to God it seems to take them forever. I think it is made worse by their weak attempts to open it quietly. Don't they realize that everyone in the place can hear them?
The same phenomenon happens with people trying to take a few potato chips out of a large bag. My Dad was notorious for this. It almost seemed as if he would just dig through the bag to touch as many of the chips as possible. There should be a "two second rule" on community bags of chips that says once your hand has passed the top border of the bag, you have two seconds to remove your hand and any chips that you hold are yours to consume. Or maybe I should just pour the chips into a bowl?
Found in Woods - Body or Remains?
Just how long does a body have to be in the woods for it to become "remains"? I hear on the news both terms being used but there must be some rule, isn't there? Do they use "remains" when the body is unidentifiable? I know that at a funeral home a body is placed in a casket but someones "remains" are placed in an urn.
Soup Again!
Do you ever wonder if homeless people ever get sick of eating soup? I bet some guy under a bridge wishes they would call them "Steak and Potato Kitchens" or "Pancake Kitchens" every now and then, huh?
Buckle Up...Except for You Kid
Anyone else find it funny that we all say we are concerned for kids safety yet school buses don't have seat belts.
Crappiest Gift Ever
With Christmas fast approaching, I thought I would add another gift idea to the "crappiest gifts ever" list. I think I would officially remove someone from my family if I was given an envelope as a gift and upon opening it the giver said "it's a star! I got you your own star from the International Star Registry."
Gee, thanks. Maybe next year you can get me a grain of fuckin' sand in the Sahara Desert or maybe even a molecule of H20 from the Pacific Ocean. Cheap bastard. Next time a 12-pack of Coors Light will do just fine.
What has been on your mind lately?
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Why DID the chicken cross the road???
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road... ZZZZZzzzzzzzz
SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY LIBERAL ASS OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA !
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road... ZZZZZzzzzzzzz
SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY LIBERAL ASS OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA !
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Thursday, October 9, 2008
How Heavy is The Water You're Holding?
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked "How heavy is this glass of water?"
Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. "
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."
Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. "
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."
So, my friend, put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.
Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply be kind to others.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Having a Bad Day?
I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and he had a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them.Then in the morning I pick them up again.”
“Funny thing is, he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before...”
"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them.Then in the morning I pick them up again.”
“Funny thing is, he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before...”
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Welcome to Fall
Is there a better time of the year in Central Ohio than fall? Springtime can be lovely in Central Ohio, our summers have been quite mild the last few years and the time between Thanksgiving and March Madness is only enjoyable if you like to ski, play hockey or drive slowly on the way to the office. Let’s look at all we have to look forward to this season.
Kids go back to school – For those of us with children, there may be no sweeter sound than that early morning alarm clock on the day the school year begins.
Warm afternoons & cool nights – Admit it, you long for the type of weather that you can break out the sweatshirts and blue jeans. And who doesn’t like hitting the snooze button one time on those mornings with the windows open and a brisk chill in the air?
A Sports Buffet – College football has begun and suddenly, the world is right again. Whether you’re a loyal Buckeye fan or not, you have to love fall Saturday’s in Columbus. Tailgating outside Ohio Stadium, visiting HineyGate or stopping by the Varsity Club should be a requirement of anyone claiming to be a college football fan.
You also have the NFL getting into full swing, the Ryder Cup in Louisville, The Columbus Crew is actually playing well this year and the baseball pennant races are in full swing. It also won’t be long until the Columbus Blue Jackets will drop the puck and hopefully skate their way into the NHL playoffs for the first time. A true sports fan should always have three things within reach – a cold beer, the remote control and a bottle of Tums.
Get Out of the House – Locals are certainly blessed with a wonderful selection of things to do outdoors. Between a large selection of metro parks, plenty of green space, The Columbus Zoo and The Franklin Park Conservatory, you’ll find an easy excuse to get out of yard work.
The “New & Improved” fall season hits the airwaves – Tired of reruns and political ads yet? Well, you might not be able to avoid the mud-slinging but if you’re ready for some new shows and returns of old favorites, this is the time for you. Who’s not excited for returns of The Office, Boston Legal, Grays Anatomy and Survivor?
I’ve never been into politics. I never felt that you needed politics to have a party but if that’s your boat, good for you. Support your candidate of choice and have fun. Just remember that after November 3rd, win or lose, we’re all on the same team and we’ve got to live together. As for me, I’m not interested in who’s leading the straw polls. I’m more interested in the teams at the top of the coach’s poll.
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