Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Early Appreciation of Mom's for Mother's Day
These are things my mother taught me...
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'"
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. "
14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'"
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. "
14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
Friday, March 27, 2009
Blame It All on the Drinkers?
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later.
She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).Word gets around about Heidi's drink now pay later marketing strategy and as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar and soon she has the largest sale volume for any bar in Detroit.
By providing her customers' freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no Resistance when she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDSand PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on security markets worldwide.
Naive investors don't really understand the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds, as they are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, their prices continuously climb, and the securities become the top-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.
One day, although the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the bank (subsequently fired due his negativity), decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.
Heidi demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed, they they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Therefore, Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.
DRINKBOND and ALKIBOND drop in price by 90 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %. The decreased bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans.
The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment extensions and having invested in the securities are faced with writing off her debt and losing over 80% on her bonds. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy; her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 50 workers. The bank and brokerage houses are saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock negotiations by leaders from both political parties.
Not surprisingly, the funds required for this bailout are obtained by a tax levied on employed middle-class non-drinkers.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
To All the Word Lovers
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
535 Fingers Pointing
The following is a letter that I sent to author and friend John Miller. John is the author of the best selling book on personal accountability QBQ! The Question Behind the Question: Practicing Personal Accountability at Work and in Life
. If you haven't read this book, I would highly recommend it to you.
Dear John,
Is it just me or are there 535 pairs of hands pointing fingers in Washington these days? All I hear on the news is how “evil AIG” is paying bonuses to their executives with taxpayers money. And who is doing this moaning and whining? That’s right, the same 435 elected members of Congress and the 100 elected Senators from around the great nation. The same 535 people who decided to grant this money “on our behalf” in the first place.
Here’s how it seems to work:
Step 1. Spend my money
Step 2. Strut around your congressional districts and boast about how you helped “the common man” with your brave decision to help the largest of the American workhorse companies. Choosing not to is a decision “you couldn’t live with.”
Step 3. Watch what happens to the money (even though what some of the money was going towards was in written contracts)
Step 4. Feign disbelief and outrage, saying you’ve been duped!
I’ll be willing to bet that the same Congressmen pass out crisp $5 bills to their local homeless pan handlers when in front of a TV crew to look compassionate yet get angry when that same “beggar” runs to the nearest liquor store for a bottle of Old Crow. “How dare they spend my money (I earn from taxpayers) on themselves.”
At least Popeye’s Whempy said he would gladly pay you a $1 tomorrow for a hamburger today. No rouse, no “smoke and mirrors,” just a simple explanation of what he was going to do with the money.
Enough with the finger pointing Washington. With 535 fingers pointing at AIG, that leaves 1605 pointing back at you!
Thanks for letting me vent! I knew you’d understand.
. If you haven't read this book, I would highly recommend it to you.Dear John,
Is it just me or are there 535 pairs of hands pointing fingers in Washington these days? All I hear on the news is how “evil AIG” is paying bonuses to their executives with taxpayers money. And who is doing this moaning and whining? That’s right, the same 435 elected members of Congress and the 100 elected Senators from around the great nation. The same 535 people who decided to grant this money “on our behalf” in the first place.
Here’s how it seems to work:
Step 1. Spend my money
Step 2. Strut around your congressional districts and boast about how you helped “the common man” with your brave decision to help the largest of the American workhorse companies. Choosing not to is a decision “you couldn’t live with.”
Step 3. Watch what happens to the money (even though what some of the money was going towards was in written contracts)
Step 4. Feign disbelief and outrage, saying you’ve been duped!
I’ll be willing to bet that the same Congressmen pass out crisp $5 bills to their local homeless pan handlers when in front of a TV crew to look compassionate yet get angry when that same “beggar” runs to the nearest liquor store for a bottle of Old Crow. “How dare they spend my money (I earn from taxpayers) on themselves.”
At least Popeye’s Whempy said he would gladly pay you a $1 tomorrow for a hamburger today. No rouse, no “smoke and mirrors,” just a simple explanation of what he was going to do with the money.
Enough with the finger pointing Washington. With 535 fingers pointing at AIG, that leaves 1605 pointing back at you!
Thanks for letting me vent! I knew you’d understand.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Creative Puns for Educated Minds
(Please insert groans as needed)
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
A little Gator fan goes to the dentist
I'm not sure whether this kid went to the dentist of just left a fraternity party with Jeff Levy.
Stoned Little Kid After Dentist Visit - Watch more Funny Videos
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Would You Have Bought Me a Beer?
So I am sitting at Nationwide Arena last night, enjoying the Blue Jackets game against Ottawa when I get up to visit the men's room. It's early third period and the Jackets are clinging to a 1-0 lead so the place is still packed and tension is starting to rise.
Our seats in section 206 (upper bowl, corner) are in the smack-ass middle of the row so deciding which way to go out is always tough. I know if I go left (which I usually do) it means that a family of 5 needs to stand up, but they give us no hassles as they are used to it. Actually, we are always friendly and thankful for their courtesy.
But last night, there was some old fart who rolled his eyes every time someone needed to exit the row. Now, keep in mind that this dill-weed never once clapped, screamed or stood up to cheer the Blue Jackets so one wouldn't even know if he was even watching the game but Lord Almighty, when someone had to leave to take a piss, he was up in arms.
So I decided that after I "went to the Urination Station to make my bladder gladder" that I would enter back in from the other aisle. I felt this guy the old fart was one more passer-by from going postal on somebody.
Now, it appears that in actuality, it is three more seats farther from the other aisle but this was my first time coming in this way so people didn't care. I made it past quickly and people didn't miss any hockey. As I am about three seats away from my own seat, this douche bag sitting next to me stands up and knocks my three-quarter full beer out of it's drink holder onto the floor.
"Oh, I knocked your beer over," he says to me. "Sorry."
That's it? Not, "Oh shit dude. My bad. Let me walk my pasty-ass down and get you another one before they close the concession stands." Not "Dude, I am soooooooo sorry. Can I repay you for the lost suds?"
Now, I was pissed off but what am I supposed to do? Get into some sort of childish "you owe me a beer, you clumsy M.F" argument right there in the stands? I mean, there are kids around and I am a mature individual (insert sarcastic laughter here). I guess I was waiting for him to come back with one of the aforementioned responses but he just crossed his legs, turned his gaze to the ice and acted like it didn't happen.
Spilled beer is always a crime but when you drop a $7.00 beer, that's damn near a felony in this beer drinker's mind. If I was this guy, I probably would have been tempted to grab the 3/4 full beer his wife's friend's husband had and give it to me. Hell, he could have repaid him after the game at a bar or at home. But no, he acted like it didn't happen.
It's a good thing the Blue Jackets won the game because if they would have lost that game and I got my beer spilled, then I might have gotten more than two minutes in the penalty box for "game misconduct."
What would you have done? Would you have run down to get a new beer for me? Offered to reimburse me? Or ignored me the way this weasel did?
I know what I'll do next time. I'll bring my god dammed beer with me to the bathroom so no one will knock it over.
Go Jackets!
Our seats in section 206 (upper bowl, corner) are in the smack-ass middle of the row so deciding which way to go out is always tough. I know if I go left (which I usually do) it means that a family of 5 needs to stand up, but they give us no hassles as they are used to it. Actually, we are always friendly and thankful for their courtesy.
But last night, there was some old fart who rolled his eyes every time someone needed to exit the row. Now, keep in mind that this dill-weed never once clapped, screamed or stood up to cheer the Blue Jackets so one wouldn't even know if he was even watching the game but Lord Almighty, when someone had to leave to take a piss, he was up in arms.
So I decided that after I "went to the Urination Station to make my bladder gladder" that I would enter back in from the other aisle. I felt this guy the old fart was one more passer-by from going postal on somebody.
Now, it appears that in actuality, it is three more seats farther from the other aisle but this was my first time coming in this way so people didn't care. I made it past quickly and people didn't miss any hockey. As I am about three seats away from my own seat, this douche bag sitting next to me stands up and knocks my three-quarter full beer out of it's drink holder onto the floor.
"Oh, I knocked your beer over," he says to me. "Sorry."
That's it? Not, "Oh shit dude. My bad. Let me walk my pasty-ass down and get you another one before they close the concession stands." Not "Dude, I am soooooooo sorry. Can I repay you for the lost suds?"
Now, I was pissed off but what am I supposed to do? Get into some sort of childish "you owe me a beer, you clumsy M.F" argument right there in the stands? I mean, there are kids around and I am a mature individual (insert sarcastic laughter here). I guess I was waiting for him to come back with one of the aforementioned responses but he just crossed his legs, turned his gaze to the ice and acted like it didn't happen.
Spilled beer is always a crime but when you drop a $7.00 beer, that's damn near a felony in this beer drinker's mind. If I was this guy, I probably would have been tempted to grab the 3/4 full beer his wife's friend's husband had and give it to me. Hell, he could have repaid him after the game at a bar or at home. But no, he acted like it didn't happen.
It's a good thing the Blue Jackets won the game because if they would have lost that game and I got my beer spilled, then I might have gotten more than two minutes in the penalty box for "game misconduct."
What would you have done? Would you have run down to get a new beer for me? Offered to reimburse me? Or ignored me the way this weasel did?
I know what I'll do next time. I'll bring my god dammed beer with me to the bathroom so no one will knock it over.
Go Jackets!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
They're Driving Me Crazy!
I know it isn't a long weekend by any means and I guess it could have been a three day weekend. Perhaps the snow could have fallen longer and deeper than the 3" we received and school could be cancelled tomorrow.
But what is it about the 65 hours between Friday's release of school and Monday's carpool that creates a real life version of Super Smash Brothers between my two kids? I swear they would kill each other if we weren't sitting in the same room.
Now don't get me wrong, they are great kids and I am not naive enough to think they couldn't be worse, but between the tattling, unwillingness to share, yelling, complaining, name calling and flat our meanness they are driving me crazy.
I am sure my father is smiling up in heaven and thinking "I told you so" and I know my Mom had her share of days like this. (Well, now that I think about it, as one of three boys, I am sure she had more weekends like this then I ever will.)
Oh well, school starts at 8:10am tomorrow and I have a full day of work in front of me. I am sure by the time I tuck them in tonight, all will be forgotten when they tell me they love me and I kiss them good night, right?
Right?
While the kid in this commercial is much worse than my children have ever acted, I know most parents have shared this shopper's pain.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Truth in Advertising?
Talk about a great personal ad for a used car found on a Craigslist site in Chicago... (italics mine)
NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12,900OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.
It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.
This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous Nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).
No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.
It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.
There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me.
I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants.
Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.
Rock on.
NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12,900OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.
It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.
This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous Nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).
No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.
It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.
There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me.
I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants.
Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.
Rock on.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Enjoy Your Vacuum, Sweetie
Hey guys...ever wonder what "being in the dog house" means? Watch this funny video and it will all become very clear!
Friday, November 28, 2008
The Employee Handbook
UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Random Musings
Open the damn mint already!
Have you ever noticed the direct correlation between the amount of noise in a room and how long it takes some to open up a mint? I swear to God it seems to take them forever. I think it is made worse by their weak attempts to open it quietly. Don't they realize that everyone in the place can hear them?
The same phenomenon happens with people trying to take a few potato chips out of a large bag. My Dad was notorious for this. It almost seemed as if he would just dig through the bag to touch as many of the chips as possible. There should be a "two second rule" on community bags of chips that says once your hand has passed the top border of the bag, you have two seconds to remove your hand and any chips that you hold are yours to consume. Or maybe I should just pour the chips into a bowl?
Found in Woods - Body or Remains?
Just how long does a body have to be in the woods for it to become "remains"? I hear on the news both terms being used but there must be some rule, isn't there? Do they use "remains" when the body is unidentifiable? I know that at a funeral home a body is placed in a casket but someones "remains" are placed in an urn.
Soup Again!
Do you ever wonder if homeless people ever get sick of eating soup? I bet some guy under a bridge wishes they would call them "Steak and Potato Kitchens" or "Pancake Kitchens" every now and then, huh?
Buckle Up...Except for You Kid
Anyone else find it funny that we all say we are concerned for kids safety yet school buses don't have seat belts.
Crappiest Gift Ever
With Christmas fast approaching, I thought I would add another gift idea to the "crappiest gifts ever" list. I think I would officially remove someone from my family if I was given an envelope as a gift and upon opening it the giver said "it's a star! I got you your own star from the International Star Registry."
Gee, thanks. Maybe next year you can get me a grain of fuckin' sand in the Sahara Desert or maybe even a molecule of H20 from the Pacific Ocean. Cheap bastard. Next time a 12-pack of Coors Light will do just fine.
What has been on your mind lately?
Have you ever noticed the direct correlation between the amount of noise in a room and how long it takes some to open up a mint? I swear to God it seems to take them forever. I think it is made worse by their weak attempts to open it quietly. Don't they realize that everyone in the place can hear them?
The same phenomenon happens with people trying to take a few potato chips out of a large bag. My Dad was notorious for this. It almost seemed as if he would just dig through the bag to touch as many of the chips as possible. There should be a "two second rule" on community bags of chips that says once your hand has passed the top border of the bag, you have two seconds to remove your hand and any chips that you hold are yours to consume. Or maybe I should just pour the chips into a bowl?
Found in Woods - Body or Remains?
Just how long does a body have to be in the woods for it to become "remains"? I hear on the news both terms being used but there must be some rule, isn't there? Do they use "remains" when the body is unidentifiable? I know that at a funeral home a body is placed in a casket but someones "remains" are placed in an urn.
Soup Again!
Do you ever wonder if homeless people ever get sick of eating soup? I bet some guy under a bridge wishes they would call them "Steak and Potato Kitchens" or "Pancake Kitchens" every now and then, huh?
Buckle Up...Except for You Kid
Anyone else find it funny that we all say we are concerned for kids safety yet school buses don't have seat belts.
Crappiest Gift Ever
With Christmas fast approaching, I thought I would add another gift idea to the "crappiest gifts ever" list. I think I would officially remove someone from my family if I was given an envelope as a gift and upon opening it the giver said "it's a star! I got you your own star from the International Star Registry."
Gee, thanks. Maybe next year you can get me a grain of fuckin' sand in the Sahara Desert or maybe even a molecule of H20 from the Pacific Ocean. Cheap bastard. Next time a 12-pack of Coors Light will do just fine.
What has been on your mind lately?
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Why DID the chicken cross the road???
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road... ZZZZZzzzzzzzz
SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY LIBERAL ASS OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA !
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road... ZZZZZzzzzzzzz
SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY LIBERAL ASS OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA !
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Thursday, October 9, 2008
How Heavy is The Water You're Holding?
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked "How heavy is this glass of water?"
Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. "
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."
Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. "
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."
So, my friend, put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.
Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply be kind to others.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Having a Bad Day?
I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and he had a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them.Then in the morning I pick them up again.”
“Funny thing is, he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before...”
"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them.Then in the morning I pick them up again.”
“Funny thing is, he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before...”
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Welcome to Fall
Is there a better time of the year in Central Ohio than fall? Springtime can be lovely in Central Ohio, our summers have been quite mild the last few years and the time between Thanksgiving and March Madness is only enjoyable if you like to ski, play hockey or drive slowly on the way to the office. Let’s look at all we have to look forward to this season.
Kids go back to school – For those of us with children, there may be no sweeter sound than that early morning alarm clock on the day the school year begins.
Warm afternoons & cool nights – Admit it, you long for the type of weather that you can break out the sweatshirts and blue jeans. And who doesn’t like hitting the snooze button one time on those mornings with the windows open and a brisk chill in the air?
A Sports Buffet – College football has begun and suddenly, the world is right again. Whether you’re a loyal Buckeye fan or not, you have to love fall Saturday’s in Columbus. Tailgating outside Ohio Stadium, visiting HineyGate or stopping by the Varsity Club should be a requirement of anyone claiming to be a college football fan.
You also have the NFL getting into full swing, the Ryder Cup in Louisville, The Columbus Crew is actually playing well this year and the baseball pennant races are in full swing. It also won’t be long until the Columbus Blue Jackets will drop the puck and hopefully skate their way into the NHL playoffs for the first time. A true sports fan should always have three things within reach – a cold beer, the remote control and a bottle of Tums.
Get Out of the House – Locals are certainly blessed with a wonderful selection of things to do outdoors. Between a large selection of metro parks, plenty of green space, The Columbus Zoo and The Franklin Park Conservatory, you’ll find an easy excuse to get out of yard work.
The “New & Improved” fall season hits the airwaves – Tired of reruns and political ads yet? Well, you might not be able to avoid the mud-slinging but if you’re ready for some new shows and returns of old favorites, this is the time for you. Who’s not excited for returns of The Office, Boston Legal, Grays Anatomy and Survivor?
I’ve never been into politics. I never felt that you needed politics to have a party but if that’s your boat, good for you. Support your candidate of choice and have fun. Just remember that after November 3rd, win or lose, we’re all on the same team and we’ve got to live together. As for me, I’m not interested in who’s leading the straw polls. I’m more interested in the teams at the top of the coach’s poll.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Random Thoughts
- On Sports:
Does anyone have a better job than Jim Nantz of CBS Sports? This guy gets front row seats at the best games of the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship (March Madness) and then spends a week hanging out amidst the azaleas and dogwoods of Augusta National for The Masters. For the record, Nantz does a wonderful job at both events and really helps the audience feel connected.
Speaking of The Masters, when Arnold Palmer walks down to the first tee on Thursday to hit the symbolic "first tee shot" to open the tournament, why does he make his caddy carry his entire bag of clubs?
- On Television
Thank God the writers striker is over. It sure is good to have some original episodes of the best shows back on the air. Two of the best are:
The Office - The first new episode featured a dinner party at Michael and Jan's condo. Invited guests included Jim and Pam as well as Andy and Angela. Dwight, who wasn't officially invited because he isn;t in a relationship with someone, did show up with someone - his boyhood babysitter. I watched this one in a hotel room in Cincinnati and probably made people in nearby rooms wonder what was happening in room 409 with my boisterous laughter.
LOST - Really, these episodes were already "in the can" prior to the strike, but the action has been fantatstic. We now know who the "Ocenaic 6" are and will have a few weeks to learn more about their predicaments as well as those who will obviously be left behind.
Does Paula Abdul have naked pictures of American Idol producers? How can this dishrag still have a job. Her feedback and input for the show's contestants is horrendous. Something tells me her next gig will be on one of two shows - Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew or The Surreal Life
Hell's Kitchen - The saddest thing about this show is there are thousands of people who wanted to be contestants on this show who weren't selected and must still be working in some kitchen somewhere. Have you seen how bad some of these "chefs" are? Yikes. As my wife Ronda points out - you would think after three seasons now, if you were going to be on this show you should figure out how to cook rissoto, shouldn't you?
- On Politics
Anyone else tired of the election yet? Good Lord, we still have 7 months to go!
- On Business
Farewell Skybus, We Hardly Knew Ye - Columbus based discount airline Skybus has flown off into the sunset. Well, the actually didn't fly off but is there a literary way of saying they were grounded into the bankruptcy court? I did have a chance to enjoy one trip on Skybus back in February. While I didn't get one of the $10 seats, the flight was a bit less expensive than similar "brand" airlines. But after the excess travel (renatl car) and luggage fees, it probably wasn't worth it.
Tell me what you've been thinking about lately. Any vacations, job changes are
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